my creative writing teacher was really into star wars and named his kids luke and lea. he said that he had never seen anyone more disappointed and disgusted in him than the delivery room nurse when he held his firstborn son for the first time and tearfully proclaimed “luke…i am your father”

old man coworker: some lady came up and asked me where the fairy lights are. I’m like, what the hell are fairy lights?

me: I think they’re like Christmas lights. They’re over in crafts

millennial coworker: Yeah, they’re Christmas lights but they call them “fairy lights” in Europe, I think

old man coworker: Ha! You know why they’re called that in Europe?

me: Why?

old man: Cause they’re a buncha queers over there!

me: 

When you punish a person for dreaming his dream
Don’t expect him to thank or forgive you
The best ever death metal band out of Denton
Will in time both outpace and outlive you

idk how anyone on pocket camp makes such pretty campsites mine is just “i like all these items so theyre going to all go out in an ugly conglomeration”

saw a little kid doodling on the marker test paper and he left me this arcane recipe

in the year of our lord 2018 they’re making a live action/cgi sonic the hedgehog movie with jean-ralphio as sonic and jim carrey as doctor robotnik. we live in the weirdest fucking timeline.

i actually dont have and idea how to do makeup stuff b/c my mom always told me i would have to buy my own as a kid instead of her getting it for me. so i used my birthday money on games and books and never bothered. 

my absolute favorite Qanon theory is that it’s Nathan Fielder trolling the altright. 

barkimedes is the least photogenic dog in the world