video game: *lets you choose your party members*
me: *completely ignores which characters have which useful skills and instead focus on potential banter*
professor: now, this essay is to be exactly 6 sentences. You can't go above it! I stop reading after the 6th period.
me, and my adoration of commas: sounds cool. sorry in advance.
coworker: So, last day, huh? Going off to dig up dinosaurs
me: oh, actually I'm not doing dinosaurs. That's a little too far back. I'm interested in greece and rome and stuff.
coworker: oh. bummer.
coworker: dinosaurs are cool though
me: oh HELL yeah dinosaurs are rad as hell
hp lovecraft: and the true horror is revealed when the narrator discovers he's turning into one of the Deep Ones!
me: sounds pretty cool
hp lovecraft: no, he becomes a disgusting fishlike humanoid dwelling at the bottom of the sea
me: still not seeing a downside here
my brain: you don't need to spend $20 a notebook for school. just get the cheap one subject ones from staples. they serve the exact same function.
my heart: okay but the $20 looks cool and says "classified information"
Thacker: Do you want to commit a federal crime?
Juno, looking at a man she hasn't seen in six years: hell yes
me, seeing a before and after picture of a beach cleanup: hey it's like that early chapter in my hero ac--
also me, spraying myself with a water pistol: shut the fuck up you fucking weeb
Uber Driver: What are you studying in college?
Me: Archaeology! I like history. :)
Uber Driver: Ah. You are like the man in "Night at the Museum" !
Me:
Me, emphatically: Yes.
my cop neighbors: hey we're setting off fireworks if you wanna come and watch :)
me: while my sentiments about you being bastards have not changed and i resent the hypocrisy that you are able to get away with setting off illegal explosives simply because of your job, i appreciate you entertaining us with fireworks and enjoy the colors. therefore, when the revolution comes, i will recommend that your death is swifter and more painless than the rest.
Aubrey, internally: Wait, is she into me? Quick, make a bad joke and see if she laughs.
Aubrey: What did the rabbit give his boyfriend? A 14 carrot ring!
Dani, laughing: That’s really funny!
Aubrey, internally: Well, that’s not a fair test- that joke’s hilarious.
