hollis (they/them) currently studying classics and archaeology.

index
message
theme

lesbianshepard:

lesbianshepard:

pompey magnus was the funniest bitch in rome we’ve learned about so far

• just fucking decides that he deserves a triumph for killing marius’ supporters despite meeting absolutely none of the requirements. 
• bullies the senate into giving him another. ends up with three. still never met the requirements. 
• him and crassus deal w/ spartacus’ rebellion. crassus defeats spartacus’ actual army while pompey defeats other supporters. claims all of the glory b/c he makes it back to rome first. 
• is actually really successful military-wise but is a huge bastard about it the whole time
• has his friend in the senate essentially give him dictorial power in order to deal with the pirates. 
• ends up with command over the mediterranean and 50 miles inland. this is most of the existing empire. 
• is surprisingly not that much of a bastard about it.
• just fuckin bullies the senate into letting him be consul despite never holding the previous required offices and being too young
• this is compromised by being co-consul w/ crassus. 
• flees to egypt because he’s in a civil war w/ caesar. gets his head chopped off before he even makes it to shore. 

• becomes richer than Crassus and builds a theater despite those not being allowed
• literally just says “not a theater. it’s a temple to venus” cause he attaches a tiny temple to the end of it.
• erects a life sized statue of himself naked in the middle of it
• tries to use elephants during his african triumph. elephants are too big to get through the gates so there’s just an empty section during the parade
• the guy who had him killed (caesar) ends up getting stabbed to death in front of aforementioned giant naked statue
• theater is converted to a public latrine by octavian cause his dad died there but man was it worth it just so one of the last things caesar saw was his son in law with his dick out